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I have given so many interviews over the last few years that I have lost all patience for damned fools. This is especially true of kids straight out of university who have absolutely no idea what life in the real world is like, having coasted along for years on their parent´s money, getting out of bed at 2 in the afternoon, all the while complaining about "how much work they have to do" when in reality all they have done is copy and pasted some crap from google, signed it with their name and called it an "essay". They have learned a list of management and business "Key phrases" that their career advisor told them was super-important to drop in an interview to prove they know what they are talking about, and they are surly, idle and need a bloody good kick in the arse.

Pause.. deep breath..

As a result of this black knot of fury brooding inside of me, I have compiled a list of things to take into account when looking for a job or an internship. So pay attention and read it, you lazy duffers.

10 things to take into account when applying for a job

1. If I ask you a question and your answer is a strung together list of “key phrases” which you don´t really understand, expect me to lose my patience.
2. Saying “I´m really, really motivated and a great team player” you fail for being an unimaginative idiot, because that´s what the other 50 people I spoke to said, and I bet they are all lazy, selfish swine.
3. If I call you at 11:00 on Monday morning to arrange an interview and you are still in bed, you´ve screwed it up. If you then proceed to tell me you are “really, really motivated” I shall consider you a liar and a piss-taker.
4. When I ask you “What do you hope to gain from this position”, do not answer a generic “experience”. Nor should you answer "Money". Nor should you sit sullenly, slumped in your chair, looking bored and rolling your eyes. Out, you little shit!
5. Just because you have completed an MBA in business, do not think you are able to lead a multinational corporation. In my experience, kids with MBAs simply have rich parents and a desire to put off working for as long as possible whilst daddy pays for even more higher education, and find it hard to make the tea let alone a decision.
6. Do not talk to me about “utilizing your skills to their full extent” when, as a graduate, you clearly have no real world skills. Sorry luv, you´ll have to get your hands dirty before you can claim to have “skills”.
7. Do not start demanding lengthy and numerous holidays/days off before I have even offered you the position. You want the job? You have to actually be here once in a while.
8. At least look at the bloody website of the company you are applying to so you have even the vaguest understanding of what the company does.
9. If I ask why I should hire you, do not tell me because you think you are the best candidate for the job. You need to tell me WHY you are the best candidate for the job.
10. Do not be over-confident. People applying for jobs have been told they must be confident, but this does not mean saying you can do stuff you patently cannot do. You cannot learn a foreign language and 3 different programming languages within four weeks, so do not say you can. Likewise, if you say you can manage a team of 10 people, no problem at all, when you have never even managed one person before, you are a bloody idiot and should get the hell out of my office before I beat you with my shoe.

Come on people, its not that hard, all bosses want you to do is: turn up on time, take some pride in your work, have a good attitude and possess something called "common sense". Rant over, retorts from lazy, work-shy slackers below - if you dare.